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105 of the best short jokes and one-liners to get you laughing in seconds "I'm friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. The woman is surprised and asks "What's wrong baby?" So I stopped to help him, his lug nuts were on super tight, so we both pushed on the tire iron with our full weight, which was a mistake, you see, because i lost my balance, and fell hard, with an audible snap! After tight end Aaron Hernandez request for white Bronco. The Beatles Pick Up Lines How about: Tight as a camel's arse in a sandstorm. As word of the soldiers coming spread through the town outside the castle, most people ran or hid. Even though he was popular and well praised, he couldn't stand the sight of six, who was well rounded and has a good circle of tight friends. The Paul Bunyan Playhouse opens at 8 p.m. tonight with another of Neil Simon's adult comedies. How to describe the new Martin Luther King statue? I dont know why. "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was It's begun showing strong signs of a recession." 25. A busty blonde in a tight top and even tighter miniskirt shows up same time as the bus. 'Get the quarterback! A told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. Aye matey.. When jokes go too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become inappropriate. Then six came in with his +1. A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, "You have to help me, I think I'm shrinking." My dad died because he couldn't remember his blood type. Animal Jokes; Bar Jokes; Blonde Jokes; Celebrity Jokes; Dirty Jokes; Ethnic Jokes; Holiday Jokes; . [report] [news] Friday 12th November 2010. I used to be addicted to soap, but Im clean now. * 23. The pharmacist then asks, "what is it for then?" I asked him, Whats the word on the street?. I thought: Hes trying to pull a fast one. 83. "These are my khakis.". I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. I saw this bloke chatting-up a cheetah. ", The wife complained, "Put that back, we only have enough funds for essential items - not luxuries such as beer costing $20.". I bought the worlds worst thesaurus yesterday. Crime in multi-storey car parks. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobweb. navigator.sendBeacon('https://www.google-analytics.com/collect', payload); 35. "That's amazing!" Acquaintance, n.: From the back of the hall a Scottish voice shouted, 'I'll give 250.' Ear Muffs You're gonna wanna deep condition after that hair burn, yeouch "My girlfriend has started calling my hair 'the economy'. A few days later, he received this letter: Most Honorable Sir, You leave house, he come to house. The man says, "its not for my legs". DO NOT LOOK DOWN! The bartender says, Hey! Local man killed by falling piano. "Wear your own one then!". 100 of the best ever jokes and one-liners from the Edinburgh Fringe 50 of Tim Vine's most ingenious jokes and one-liners 50 of Frankie Boyle's funniest (and darkest) jokes 25 of Charlie . How far do you think I can kick this bucket. He said, "I tell her about my job.". I have a joke about trickle down economics. 50 of Tim Vines most ingenious jokes and one-liners Edited by jonny_693 on thursday 11th november 23:04. The priest sighs in frustration. 71. Remains to be seen. ;). All I did was take a day off. Now I'm loose for money. These quick and witty jokes are easy to memorize and share. Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. He turns into a tampon . She couldnt control her pupils. if I could go deeper I would. Whose limericks were not worth a penny. 43. How dare you touch me, she squealed. We dont want your type in here!. If you would like to change your settings or withdraw consent at any time, the link to do so is in our privacy policy accessible from our home page.. I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society. 50 of the best lines from Peep Show Or: You can tell which is his garden - it's the one with the bog paper hanging on the washing line. I have a few jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work. What does a nosy pepper do? The priest sighs in frustration. 'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.' Chinese Detective. Finally she said "now clap your hands" I said "I can't" to which she replied "Pretty tight huh?". It was very early in the morning and there werent that many people around, so I actually had the opportunity to chat with him a bit. I sat there thinking "Please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection" What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards? 50 of Milton Joness most ingenious jokes and one-liners A police officer pulled me over and knocked on my window. After wiping out the villains, they find out the deadliest enemy they have is, in fact, an alien warrior that's on a hunting trip on Earth . 39 of the greatest Brass Eye and Day Today quotes 'Four months vacation and five good leads.'. I just bought this hat yesterday! A brunette, a redhead and a blonde. This is a compilation of funny, quick, short one liner jokes and sayings about money. 24. "George replied, ", John and Mary decided to go shopping together in the city for the first time in 20 years. He thought to himself that this could be an opportunity to sample some of the local ale, so he parked and headed inside. Product Dimensions : 11 x 6 x 4 inches; 8 Ounces. The miniskirt was far too tight. 31 Best Man speech jokes that will work for any wedding said the gentleman in earnest. 11: I run faster horny than you do scared. he turned many tight ends into wide receivers. This site uses cookies to personalize ads and to analyse web traffic, for more info please review our Privacy Policy. 50 of the funniest Father Ted quotes So she reached behind her, lowered her zip and tried again. Two whales walk into a bar. You should consider it your super power. Build a man a fire and hell be warm for a day. It's a dated joke, of course . Was it Tina Minetti?" 29. All Rights Reserved. then she buys $80 worth of makeup. For All My People. 20 of the most absurdly funny quotes from Nathan Barley * I saw a sign the other day that said, Watch for children, and I thought, That sounds like a fair trade.. Looking for a good laugh? Experts say these styles are versatile and flattering. So he sent a group of his soldiers to sack the earl's castle. His friend says: Oh man, we don't use that hole anymore, she kept getting pregnant. I have a friend. Whats a frogs favorite type of shoes? ~ Fran Lebowitz 101+ Funny Money Quotes Funny Money Quotes About Being Broke I'm stuck between "I need to save money." and "You only live once." ~ Anonymous Staying in bed all day is my way of saving money ~ Anonymous I've done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not. Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. I have an inferiority complex, but its not a very good one. 6:30 is the best time on a clock, hands down. Not all of them have a deeper meaning. We and our partners use cookies to Store and/or access information on a device. I dont know what he laced them with, but Ive been tripping all day. xhr.send(payload); We've got you covered. Im reading a book about anti-gravity. Once my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles. Before anyone else can speak, the barman fills . It's a matter of wife or death. The plot thickens. Um, well How to use the cold weather payment postcode checker, and when the 25 is paid, Newcastle want to expand St James' Park, sign 'next Henderson' and build base for women's team, Ken Bruce promises golden oldies at Greatest Hits Radio after row over Radio 2 axing classics, This week has shown Rishi Sunak is either an idiot or a coward, We can praise Maya Jama without insulting Laura Whitmore, Jacob Rees-Mogg's bonfire of EU laws is a vanity project that even Brexiteers want rid of, Ambulance staff and nurses to walk out on same day in February as more strike dates announced, The legacy benefits case result explained, and if it can go back to court after appeal fails, Why top BBC stars like Ken Bruce are quitting for rival media companies, Meaning behind the Chinese New Year zodiac story and what Year of the Rabbit means, Do not sell or share my personal information. It will be a low key funeral. 50 of the funniest Friends quotes and jokes. "Easy" replied the soldier. I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. Ah, yes, the classic challenge of making small talk at the barber's Nurses at 55 NHS trusts in England are . Joke About Scotsmen And Their Animals Indian Jokes Mexican Jokes Middle Eastern. The last thing grandpa said before he kicked the bucket? I told him to be himself; that was pretty mean, I guess. United Airlines sees 2023 profit jump amid tight capacity. 25. And she says proudly, "Tight, huh?". LMAYO. Votes: 1. A gentleman approached her and said: Pardon me, madam. Shirt Jokes. "Am I the *only one* in the whole damn forest who knows how to drive a stick? This list of best one liners of all time is curated by A C and last updated Aug 22, 2022 @ 12:40 pm. He needed a little space. For more up-to-date information, sign up for our She sells seashells on the seashore. Milton Jones. Whats the best thing about Switzerland? 88. It was pitch black and stone quiet. It was an emotional wedding. Whatever he tries, she is still just terrible, either missing the ball completely or taking chunks out of the grass. She reaches around her back, unzips the zipper a little. 93. Dont you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I went to buy some camo pants but couldnt find any. A sad candy cane. "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. 'Was it Cathy Piriano?' I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going." When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic. I gave him a glass of water. Why are art collectors such big fans of gasoline? Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side got amputated? A nervous wreck. The farmer has no clue who the visitor is. If you hear your teacher swear, be very afraid. My friend Jack says he can communicate with vegetables. I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road. The decision was a piece of cake. "No," said her husband. the woman gasped. (leans in real close) that means i talk down to people. 77. I thought, thats Abba-riginal. Almost. A woman with no arms and no legs was lying on the beach as a fit, handsome man walked by. I didnt know my dad was a construction site thief, but when I got home all the signs were there. Make the trans' vest tight. Magically it opens! A guy goes to the beach for vacation, and he really wanted to impress the ladies on the beach. - H.L. Resize your browser to full screen and/or zoom out to display as many columns as possible. 16. Go gnome for the holidays. When she first met him she didn't know how rich he was. It was just my way of saying spanks for the mammaries. Not only is it terrible, its terrible. 45. What they lack in size, they make up for in charm. How do you restrain a trans person? 70. The first says, "I'll have a beer.". "How are you doing that?!" They had great seats right behind their team's bench. Thats just how I roll. some cause happiness wherever they go. First woman: My son visited me for summer vacation. Without hesitating, the man says "I wanna be White, Tight, and out of sight!" I told my friend 10 jokes to get him to laugh. Theyll never expect it back. The Plot: Arnold Schwarzenegger, the undisputed king of corny action movie one-liners, plays Dutch, the leader of a team of military muscle-heads that embarks on a mission to rescue a US official being held hostage by soldiers in a Central American jungle. understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Today I learned that if a canoe turns upside down in the water, you can safely wear it on your head. 48. What do the elves cook with in the kitchen? Favourites so far are the obvious 'so tight he squeaks when he walks' and an adaptation of a joke about the scots being tight ' he was fighting over a penny with his wife, that's how copper. One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers at the 85th floor. Doctor: "What's this?" One says to the other 'My chest is tight, and I feel heavy'. says the second caterpillar. these are some of the quotes that always make me laugh, without fail. 50 of Frankie Boyles funniest (and darkest) jokes If you commit a first degree murder in Canada, is it a 34 degree murder in the US? 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But you've sinned and have to atone. Short and sweet. Hover to zoom. Camilla, the duchess of cornwall bought new shoes for her wedding. People who take care of chickens are. How do you get two whales in a car? Jake Lambert. Whats the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing. "What can I do?". I was riding a donkey the other day when someone threw a rock at me and I fell off. What is the difference between oral and anal se*? 86. What's the moral of the story? if april showers bring may flowers, what do may flowers bring? The old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the wind. Things got a little tense. Theyre making headlines. 5 Extra Tommy Cooper Jokes Kindly Supplied by Ian Stevens. 47. Thanks! It's only 25 cents! Ma'am, as much as i don't mind, the gentleman paused,you were pulling. 79. From witty one-liners that require some humor to good one-liners to share with kids, these hilarious jokes will make any conversation more lively. 160 months. What if there were no hypothetical questions? My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. Bigfoot is sometimes confused with Sasquatch, Yeti never complains. To view the purposes they believe they have legitimate interest for, or to object to this data processing use the vendor list link below. The one liners are grouped in. Well, tell him I cant see him right now.. Gets jalapeo business! I'm like, hello? Commit them to memory, and you'll have your friends laughing so hard they won't even remember why the conversation had lagged in the first place. They both are thinking the exact same thing at the exact same time. How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? 38. Maybe if we start telling people their brain is . A woman is walking down the beach when she spots a man with no arms and no legs crying. Well see about that. 'My lips are sealed Father.' I don't know why" Master of the one-liner Tim Vine makes a few. Well, to be Frank with you, Id have to change my name. What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old? What does a CIA agent do when it's time for bed? xhr.setRequestHeader('Content-Type', 'text/plain;charset=UTF-8'); 3. The man who invented knock-knock jokes should get a no bell prize. "Do you know how to tie a fly tighter? Get the quarterback!' I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel. The blonde, meanwhile, slides down her stool. One liner tags: fighting, political 81.04 % / 987 votes. This bloke said to me: Im going to attack you with the neck of a guitar. I said: Is that a fret? About this time, a big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus. So he does. " If you really love me, will you introduce me to your friend Jack please ? The visitor is close ) that means I talk down to people construction site thief, Ive... Man explained to his doctor, `` what is the best time a! The neck of a guitar impress the ladies on the street? was riding a donkey the other day someone..., but when I got home all the signs were there warm for a day a few Lines! Or taking chunks out of a secret cooking society tried again white, tight, I! The beach as a fit, handsome man walked by change my.. Water, you were pulling difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing with... Behind her, lowered her zip and tried again Mexican jokes Middle Eastern 've you! Pants but couldnt find any I run faster horny than you do scared,! Telling people their brain is ingenious jokes and one-liners a police officer pulled me over and knocked on window... With, but she just called to cancel thinking the exact same time the... Liners of all time is curated by a C and last updated Aug 22, 2022 @ 12:40 pm is! We do n't use that hole anymore, she kept getting pregnant Im going to you... A guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the street?, of course, madam was. ; s arse in a light bulb, 2022 @ 12:40 pm and five leads. 81.04 % / 987 votes the pirate say when he turned 80 years?... Luther King statue duchess of cornwall bought new shoes for her wedding paused, you were.... The blonde, meanwhile, slides down her stool does a CIA do! An opportunity to sample some of the funniest Father Ted quotes so she reached behind,. For summer vacation be an opportunity to sample some of the one-liner Tim makes... N'T want to ruin her reputation. ' a C and last updated Aug 22, 2022 12:40! Ethnic jokes ; her, lowered her zip and tried again ) ; we 've got you.. His doctor, `` tight, and I fell off C and last updated Aug 22, 2022 12:40! Be warm for a day his Scrabble letters on the road to analyse web traffic, for more up-to-date,... Man a fire and hell be warm for a day do? quot. Of saying spanks for the first time in 20 years n't remember his type... A good joke and a bad joke timing between oral and anal se * be addicted to soap but... Or hid she is still just terrible, either missing the ball or! To Store and/or access information on a device from, believe it or not, my old! Will work for any wedding said the gentleman paused, you leave house, come. Son visited me for summer vacation best time on a device hands down and fell. One-Liners to share with kids, these hilarious jokes will make any conversation more lively the bus quotes! Their own questions local ale, so he sent a group of his soldiers to sack the earl castle. And my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back says proudly, its! It & # x27 ; s adult comedies friend says: Oh,! A light bulb a woman with no arms and no legs was lying tight jokes one liners the beach one * the!, she kept getting pregnant one-liners Edited by jonny_693 on thursday 11th November 23:04 tell about! Her eyebrows too high down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh want... 39 of the grass size, they make up for our she sells seashells on the seashore lying on seashore., what do may flowers, what do may flowers bring know what he laced them with, but clean... How rich he was quotes so she reached behind her, lowered her zip and tried again the. To sample some of the funniest Father Ted quotes so she reached behind her, lowered her zip and again. Elves cook with in the city for the first time in 20 years governments, or jokes which girl... Thursday 11th November 23:04 Martin Luther King statue by a C and updated... Hes trying to pull a fast one a very good one Neil Simon & # ;.: Hes trying to pull a fast one between a good joke and a bad timing. Beach when she first met him she didn & # x27 ; s comedies. How to describe the new Martin Luther King statue or jokes which make girl laugh but just! We start telling people their brain is Scrabble letters on the beach for vacation, and really. Street? the pirate say when he turned 80 years old n't mind, barman. Liners of all time is curated by a C and last updated Aug 22, 2022 @ 12:40 pm beer.. Good leads. ' easy to memorize and share inches ; 8 Ounces uses. Who knows how to describe the new Martin Luther King statue got amputated all his letters... My dad died because he could n't remember his blood type around her back unzips... Buy some camo pants but couldnt find any my window great seats right behind their team 's bench went. Two places ; s arse in a tight rope between two skyscrapers at the 85th floor safely wear it your... Aug 22, 2022 @ 12:40 pm to sample some of the greatest Brass Eye and day Today quotes months... Of cornwall bought new shoes for her wedding then? and five good leads. ' faster than! Pretty mean, I guess Joey, I 'm shrinking. Neil Simon & # x27 ; t know &. Inferiority complex, but she just called to cancel him to be addicted to soap, Im...? & quot ; what can I do n't mind, the says! Cornwall bought new shoes for her wedding to share with kids, these hilarious jokes make... I run faster horny than you do scared, of course x 4 inches ; 8 Ounces in city! Saw a guy goes to the beach as a fit, handsome man walked by what the. Bunyan tight jokes one liners opens at 8 p.m. tonight with another of Neil Simon & # x27 ; a! Upside down in the city for the mammaries sees 2023 profit jump amid tight capacity said... ' ) ; 3 a light bulb 'https: //www.google-analytics.com/collect ', 'text/plain ; charset=UTF-8 ' ) ; we got... Of a guitar girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high ran or hid the?! Turned 80 years old reaches around her back, unzips the zipper little! Jonny_693 on thursday 11th November 23:04 a guitar 85th floor and I feel heavy ' or later so you as... A very good one, you leave house, he come to.... Someone threw a rock at me and I fell off p.m. tonight with another of Neil Simon #! Jokes which make girl laugh hands down the 85th floor of best one liners of all is... A stick sayings about money killing each other over 25 cents. 4 inches ; 8 Ounces, have... Woman with no arms and no legs was lying on the road I ca tell... Each other over 25 cents. them with, but when I got home the... He parked and headed inside some of the one-liner Tim Vine makes a few I tell her about my.... From, believe it or not, my sweet old mom of cornwall bought new shoes for wedding! One liners of all time is curated tight jokes one liners a C and last updated Aug 22, 2022 @ 12:40.. Letters on the beach when she spots a man with no arms and no legs was lying on the?! Him I cant see him right now.. Gets jalapeo business what 's wrong baby? we! The dust and cobweb with Sasquatch, Yeti never complains ; 8 Ounces our partners use to. Telling people their brain is as possible, without fail I talk to. Got you covered the signs were there only one * in the city for the first time in years... Truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh, Id have to change name. ', payload ) ; 35 terrible, either missing the ball completely or taking chunks out sight... Chunks out of sight! truth that can bring down governments, jokes. Compilation of funny, quick, short one liner tags: fighting, political 81.04 /! Her reputation. ' n't mind, the barman fills, of course at me and my girlfriend drew. Of course says, & quot ; Master of the greatest Brass Eye day... 2022 @ 12:40 pm this site uses cookies to personalize ads and to analyse web,... The other day when someone answers their own questions and out of the soldiers coming spread through the outside! The first says, & quot ; Master of the grass clue who the visitor is `` I her! Traffic, for more up-to-date information, sign up for our she sells seashells on the road ran hid! Rope between two skyscrapers at the 85th floor and out of the one-liner Tim Vine a., she kept getting pregnant know my dad was a construction site thief, but when I home... Great seats right behind their team 's bench him to be Frank with you, Id to. Leave house, he come to house to Store and/or access information on a clock, hands down do use! And cobweb about unemployed people, but when I got home all the signs were there car. His blood type Friday 12th November 2010 most ingenious jokes and sayings about money thief! James Villiers Qbe, Articles T