i hate my husband because of his mother

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i hate my husband because of his mother

She wasnt very nice to me at all for the first few years that I knew her even when she was living under my roof. Overall, I feel for you. My MIL and I are not close. If she needs to change her living situation, hopefully her and her husband will find a way to live on what they can afford. He talks to his mom about it. Ill graduate in a few days and have been applying to jobs that will hopefully hire me shortly after my baby is born so that we wont need any of her finances. I dont think it would have done much if Id hit it, but still. LW sounds like she is living in an abusive and unsanitary environment. From time immemorial, we hear more awful marriage experiences than good ones. Oh, I have no doubt shes overwhelmed. Learn what to do when you dont like your husband in the following: Knowing what to do when you hate your husband can save your marriage time. Life is unpredictable, and marriage is full of surprises. It could be taking her to get her hair done, helping her clean up after her dog, doing yard work for her, etc. Earlier I was thinking, what does she mean, a promise to take care of his mother? Or maybe MIL stays put and letter writer moves somewhere close so her husband can put in an hour or two daily with MIL and letter writer goes a couple times a week. Sometimes in order to be a good person, you have to accept crappy circumstances, and I dont think its wrong to acknowledge that you dont like it. Talk to your husband about what he means by caring for her. My grandma had a severe stroke when I was about 3 years old, and my dads family (all 11 siblings) took turns taking care of her in my grandparents farmhouse. This is not the right time to blame your husband, but to evaluate your actions in the past. What I find even more awful than wanting to just flat out abandon her is your complete lack of compassion for this woman, and how youre allowing her to, as Wendy put it, rot in her own filth in her bedroom. . Unless she like nailed the knife to the counter and booby trapped the kitchen Indiana Jones style, Im pretty sure you were just annoyed it was left out, which is reasonable, but jesus. Or is he open to other ideas that wouldnt require your family live with her but instead using some of Wendys ideas? Check the following ways to stop hating your husband: The first step to stopping hating your husband is to know why. But the tone in my response was inspired and informed by the tone in the letter (which I thought was a lot crueler/ unkind/ unsympathetic than my response and most of the responses Im seeing in the comments), but for what its worth Im glad there are dissenting opinions in the comments and that the LW is getting at least a little range of responses. They force us to take responsibility for what we're thinking and feeling, which protects others from our blame, guilt and judgment." Examples of I-Statements in romantic relationships: I feel scared when it seems like your family is more important to you than I am. June 18, 2015, 8:22 am. Of course its not a good idea to leave knives sitting out, especially with a child in the home but even if she ran right into the blade of a loose knife, it would have just slid over or gotten knocked off the counter. Gah, absolutely everything you described thats currently happening is almost word for word post-stroke symptoms. I have compassion for both LW and her MIL. That is true, she may be overwhelmed. However, things have changed now. I read it too quickly the first time and thought you wrote Not that I think you have experienced instead of not that I think you have to have experienced It changed the whole tone. We think they have failed and hate them when they dont meet our unrealistic expectations. Soooo I think that Husband promised to step in and take care of his mother. And personally, I think a little sympathy would be more helpful in getting her to think rationally and kindly about the situation than telling her shes being entitled and being a bad person. Understand that many of your expectations before marriage will crumble because living together often shows us their new traits. And you really need to discuss with your husband how he can fulfill his promise to take care of his mother without sacrificing your nuclear familys safety and comfort. Yesterday, I received an email from a woman who was overcome with negative emotions. . Im really curious how this knife was pinned into place so much as to have potentially impaled her. Having a selfish husband means being stuck with stunted communication in your marriage. Some disadvantages, including bad habits, can become more noticeable and annoying by time. If hes trying his best to make you happy, the least you can do is to appreciate him. And sometimes ill-prepared panicked people arent model human beings who can clearly assess every situation and respond with the appropriate amount of compassion. Love is what we expect in a marriage, so a dislike for our spouse makes us anxious and stressed. You cant abandon this woman who clearly requires a lot of care, and you cant ask your husband to renege on his obligations. Well, it turns out that his mom felt attacked. The message would be the same, but the approach could be a lot different. Whether you choose to keep him with his new found spine, is up to you. Did they both come up for sale at the same time? "I Hate that My Husband Takes Care of His Mother" In the beginning, I absolutely adored my MIL and had no worries about the promise my husband had made (long before I knew him) to always take care of her because she had a stroke several years earlier. With your spouse, you need to be more intentional. June 18, 2015, 10:40 am. June 18, 2015, 2:09 pm. However, its just for a short while. Why was that? How Do I Make My Partner Realize Their Responsibilities? Nope, sorry dont buy it. The stress that would put on me every day. Sounds like your husband is trying to make good on his promise (though his motives dont sound great). My Sisters and I Are Fighting Over My (Living) Mothers Money. Its easy to shift blame to others. Stay calm and think it through to evaluate your marriage and save it from crumbling. This step requires you to be thoughtful and open-minded. So Im glad you are able to access some of that sympathy for the letter writer. In addition, she has fallen asleep with candles still lit, and left knives on the counter (I almost impaled my pregnant belly on one!). In essence, you can hate something or someone you love from time to time when things dont go your way. LW, you and your husband need to have a serious conversation about how caring for his mother in your home is going to affect your family and relationship. We will present possible reasons why some wives hate their husbands and solutions for the same. Im sure she *wants* to do those things, like take care of herself and clean her house, but she physically *cant*. Are you happy within yourself? If you listen to more of these unpleasant experiences or witness them, it may affect your perception of a healthy marriage. Still, it's important not to bad mouth or criticize your in-laws to your spouse. something random She definitely needs to be called on that. Sorry, but is the MIL is that bad off, she belongs in a place where she can be looked after 24/7 and there senior citizen apartments that have such care that comes with them. It was a rental property at the time so unfortunately we had to buy it and then wait a few months for the leases of the tenants to be up (and we provided them with help through a management company to find a new place), but it was totally worth it. June 18, 2015, 9:44 am. As much as love brings you together, know that you will face some challenges, such as financial constraints, housing problems, issues about children, etc. Had she never visited her? Some of the over the top descriptions (impaled from a knife on the counter?!? However, after marriage, things change: partners recognize each other better, including advantages and disadvantages. His dad moved states, and they now have a strained relationship. June 18, 2015, 11:29 am. Work on building a positive relationship and focusing on the good . That would help a lot with the hygiene. But she married her husband and he comes with her mother. So maybe instead of being a jerk shes ill-prepared and panicked. This is likely how she will always be, and she will likely require heavy amounts of care for the rest of her life. Are you happy within yourself? Much of your resentment clearly stems from what you consider a sub-par living environment for you and your kids. I like to believe I would never have gotten into it to begin with. For example, a clumsy husband scatters the room every chance he gets can create stress. If your husband doesnt care about your opinion or values but only what matters to him, it will cause a rift between you. But Im not going to act like shes an awful person for feeling that way because I probably would, too. Once you figure the problem out, it will be easy. If they moved in with his mom because they were always planning to buy a house with her and care for her and a medical discharge just pushed everything to happen faster, that is more understandable. LW, you are basically saying you want your husband to break his promise because his life has changed and things arent as easy now as they were when he first made it. Sometimes, we place immense expectations and responsibilities on our partners. Being an older person, she must have a lot of wisdom to share and the LW isnt accepting that. She could have written in about the husband and issues with navigating her MILs care and left everything else out. That is pretty much human decency to help your parents out as they age and cant handle everything themselves. But now I get it- Husband promised his mother to take care of her, like, physically, not just help out and such. I feel like we need to try harder to see all sides here. 5. You could find a place nearby so your husband could still go over regularly. If she does in fact have mental health issues, whether or not they are consequent to the stroke, they should be assessed and addressed appropriately, but that doesnt excuse her demanding and entitled behaviour either. It would be best to intensify your effort to draw your partner closer in marriage. Not that I think you have to have experienced giving care to a difficult elderly/disabled person to comment on this, but I have. 2. You cant have a baby crawling into grandmas room and getting into the poop and it would be difficult to constantly check to make sure there is no poop. As I said yesterday, I see firsthand on a daily basis just how difficult that role is. Now Im not reeling from yesterdays letter (I didnt have time) but as far as entitlement goes its one thing to think youve made an arrangement that is mutually beneficial for everyone involved, its another to realize youve signed on to be the tenet and care-taker for the landlord from hell for the next few decades. They feel they are just protecting their vulnerable child, with little awareness of the effect it has had on me and other sis. Its frustrating when you have tried healthy ways to improve someone, but it proves futile. You fight over the most trivial thing and give no room for mistakes. How Did You Decide Whether to Have Another Baby? I have to agree with all of the people who chimed in about mother sounding like a very typical right hemisphere stroke patient. He learned this strategy early in childhood, often from a harsh and abusive or guilt-inducing . While you can encourage your partner to change some behaviors, it is better to accept that his flaws will always be part of him. Giving care is one thing. What Happens When There Is Lack of Attention in Relationship? Of course, but he is not obligated to sacrifice his life or his happy home for me. My point here is that stroke victims are greatly affected by even the most basic of things: cooking, cleaning, taking care of themselves, etc. One reason you dislike your husband may be that you both stopped compromising. We made long-term goals together like engagement, marriage, kids, the whole 9. The long-estranged FILs statement that the sons promise is the LWs promise is utter horseshit. June 18, 2015, 11:21 am. It happened to my cousins daughter, although she wasnt pregnant. Not only does she sound like a danger to her grandchildren or anyone else living with her, which youve made clear is your concern, she is a danger to herself. They can force you to question your love and your marriage. 6. Even life is full of ups and downs. How Do You Fix Emotional Detachment in a Relationship? This helpfulness demonstrates that he is being a "good spouse.". Maybe shes depressed. I think I would have a really hard time accepting this situation if I were the letter writer. Wouldnt you want the same or is everything supposed to benefit you in some way? bricklink greef karga. I hate my husband. Id look into a home health aide. June 18, 2015, 1:07 pm. Skyblossom I promised my mom that she could live in the east wing of my giant mansionguess whatshes not holding me to a promise I made as a child. The husband has a responsibility to both children to keep them safe, and that includes not allowing his mother to harm them, even if unintentionally. Talk about sweet! I grew up in a family that didnt make the human body sinful or sexual in nonsexual situations. However, a husband attached to his mother at the hip might be more of a problem. She always signed my birthday cards, but it wasnt legible because she couldnt write. It sounds like she may have lasting effects from her stroke (judgment issues, memory issues, etc) and who knows, maybe she has other issues as well. Strange, right? Marriage is an exciting experience for most people. Compound that with financial stress and the arrival of a new baby, yeah, I get why the LW feels overwhelmed. Tolerating what sounds like abusive behaviour from his mother is another. However, it doesnt always work like that. Its another thing to tell her shes a jerk and entitled. While I can appreciate how stressed and overwhelmed she is, I absolutely think shes acting with a kind of entitlement and lack of compassion that needs to be called out. But hatred for ones spouse doesnt surface for no reason. However, you should check yourself when you start drifting away from your partner. . It really puts her in a terrible light, in my opinion. You essentially resent your MIL for being elderly. Those arent excuses. Maybe this means finding a duplex so people can have their own space, or helping MIL downsize to a place that is far more manageable and she can afford a cleaner once or twice a week. Most wives hate their husbands because they hurt or offend them. Wendy, I think your column was great advice for this letter writer. However, only attentive partners will care to ask what their partners think. Which Labrant Family Member Has Cancer, Globiflow Training, Captain Mitch Nelson Cause Of Death, Articles I