You want to Sure wish I would have read this post before I decided to confront. Confronting her would only bring more conflicts into our marriage thereby creating distance between me and my husband. To learn when registration opens back up, click the button below. Maybe you're still waiting to come up with the perfect withering remark to deliver along with your poisoned umbrella tip. It gave me even more strength and let me feel better about myself. If I confront my partners lover in public, it wouldnt make any difference. Tough! If you are going to talk to him, it is probably best to be honest about how you are feeling without casting it as doing him a favor. And she had the nerve to complain that I was harassing her, because I kept asking her to stop contacting us. I believe my healing restarted every other day. People never cease to amaze me, both the evil and the naive. I say any guy in this position should take the pirates stance, " take everything and leave nothing behind". Glad I'm already separated and glad I have proof of ALL the MANY lies my husband has been telling and still trying to tell. Dude, your "world" has already collapsed. Damn this is hard, I'm glad you are all here. She vowed to leave him and told me she had divorce papers ready to go. I couldn't work it out and was going crazy, so I had to start doing some investigation to find out what was really going on. Anyhoo, am I hurt of course! As we discussed more, I think I understand more now. The best solution is to talk to my husband. Don't make me explain it to you. Its been so hard not knowing what she was thinking that I never responded to her ( she reached out and I ignored her) I now have a better understanding. Of course he forwarded my email to her, and to my utter shock she let him know that she didn't feel the same as I did (she was still DEEP in the fog of the affair and hadn't confronted her illusions and rationalizations yet) and that her 'friendship' with him (old boyfriend from 30 years earlier) always had and always would be special to her. This women will never be out of my life and I have to share my family with her for every event because they have accepted her. Some people respond by backing down, some people respond by attacking, and some people will try to avoid the confrontation I believe my spouse and I can talk things over and settle our differences without involving a third party. I traveled to a random country and got off the plane realizing it was a Muslim country. I received these apologies (and a convenient denial of my wifes clinical condition; which I found ridiculous but let it go). *If there is any money left, and after youve forgiven them and forgiven yourself for short comings, definitely try to do 1 thing youve never dreamed of doing. But Im glad I know what attracted him to her - the light heartedness and fun and ultimately the emptiness, I agree with all of Rick's observations. And again, what do you hope to accomplish by calling your wifes lover? No, I cannot and will not confront her in public. Not as bad as you, but I do fell your pain. This is not your problem, this is hers. And then she sent another message that she would be happy to meet to set the record straight. I think we have to clear the air. It is only a mad man that will do that. I dont think she really wants to be married to me at all. By entering your email and clicking Sign Up, you're agreeing to let us send you customized marketing messages about us and our advertising partners. My husbands job was about to dictate him to be working out of the town he and his AP spent time in on a two week gone one week home schedule for the next three months. I did confront her. I wish you luck and stop being afraid. Her family is quite close knit, such that if any one person knows something, the entire extended family will know it in a day or so. After he reached out to my wife months later (apparently feeling brave after a few months), I told his wife. I came clean. If she INSISTS on evidence, ask her why she needs to see the evidence. WebMy lover's wife ended the conversation by telling me how much she hated me and couldn't think of another person in the whole world that she despised more than me. Viewing 10 posts - 1 through 10 (of 10 total), This topic has 9 replies, 7 voices, and was last updated. Guess how far that all fell apart, now being single and at seizure-levels of stress? Consider the source. We even went and had drinks with her and the other other woman lol. No kids? There is no need for me to confront my spouses lover in public. You'll probably fish more information out of her that way anyhow. My username is signalhill84. Fairly abruptly, my wife told me she wanted a trial separation and moved out into her own apartment. You need to calmly explain your feelings and tell her to put herself in your shoes. I feel that it is great that you do the same . The person I have business with is my husband. Logically, I know she's crazy and was grasping at straws trying to "win." Over the years, this 17-week, small group course has helped thousands of people find hope, set healthy boundaries and move toward extraordinary lives. You're nuts. Think about yourself man, it's all you can do. She knew I existed. Are you sure it's a councillor not a solicitor? How to Deal With a Lying Spouse. After 3 years, I still cant sleep and I think a healthy man to man is in order. Because she will turn the tables on you and claim she can't trust you because you snooped. As much as you love heryou might well be better off without her in your life, given what all has gone on. Yes I know she would lie to me if it helped her cause - I cant trust her - and phoning her is the only way I know to find out if the affair is over, but I cant as if it is over it would start it up again, and if it isnt I know the truth will find me in Gods perfect time. I ghosted her and have always felt like I missed the opportunity to let her have it! In his case, he was young, inexperienced, wasnt raised with the values of marriage, and wasnt ready to be a dad. Trying to get them to "get it" is futile. As hard as it isyou're probably better cutting your losses now rather than later. I insisted on being told the truth or she was to I Literally just gave birth to his child and we live together. Hes 25+ years my senior, very successful rich even. And to make matters more complicated, how someone responds during the confrontation doesnt necessarily indicate how they will respond after he or she has had time to think about what was said. She wanted to know everything. Maybe she is ill and needs help, as her husband I should be there for her shouldn't I? Amazing. Things will change, people will tell you you steered to hard, you damaged the mask. I cannot fight another woman because of a man who is not satisfied with me and decided to keep a lover outside marriage. How fabulous. Don't let this woman use you as a doormat or she will cheat on you again. Ill disgrace myself, kids, family if I do that- Ibrahim Badmus. Mine lives on our Street. I have a reputation I would not want to tarnish. She takes full care of her husbands intimacy needs, just as she takes time out to be with her 'other guy'. So unless you have reason to believe that there will be a positive outcome, it may be best to avoid a confronting the other person. My candid answer is no. Cheating is never good, and neither is confronting a cheater and hearing what they have to say. Goes to show you its all their own issues, not anything to do with us. Completely unfair. I will walk out of the marriage- Derek Agyei. The content on Tiny Buddha is designed to support, not replace, medical or psychiatric treatment. You poor pathetic chump, begging for your marriage. Maybe I am a wimp, I'm here for advice and I can't help the way I feel. Thanks everyone for your messages. This girl is delusional. I expect no apologies, no truth, no remorse. There are no kids and assets are minimal so that is not my concern. She basically wanted to discuss two things. You are wondering if she will get banged by that dude today or not. We call the hubby a 'cuckolded husband'. Leave it up to her to decide what to tell her family. Think, coolly about these options. I finally wised up, about the time I found AR, and just blocked her and her daughter completely. Being in an affair has been likened to addiction, and in confronting the affair partner, you're trying to sober them up. You posted a thread about your relationship problems a bit more than a month ago, in February, before you found out about her affair. Do talk to her about the situation. The best way to handle this is for both of you yo say that you love each other, but neither of you are happy. This was 1.5 years ago and they have maintained a close friendship with her. Tell her that you KNOWpoint blank, irrefutably. The most important thing to remember; is every new day you are rebuilding and retooling your ship. OK, so I realize youre probably in a very emotional state right now, and thats justified. But really, your wifes lovers are not the people with I told her Gid has a plan for her life and that plan is not my husband. I offer my experience only by way of illustration. Filing for divorce. What you thought was your world is actually not the truth at all. Recovery from my past relationship took over a year, but now Im completely better. This is supposed to be the happiest time of your life and she is off chasing other guys. It would be a relief and would give me tonnes of extra energy for our relationship. Sometimes I wonder if she ever thinks about me or if she still thinks she hates me. Believe me, this hot dog addiction, is taking the form of an epidemic in the US. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. My focus has been on my relationship with my wife. It was a confusing, emotional and destructive time in my life, to say the least. I managed to find some deleted text messages, I feel bad for doing so, but have now found out that she has been seeing another man from work. Do not reveal how you know. I really see no need to address such issue. But I would tell the truth, just the facts. That was certainly true in our situation. I confronted my husband's affair partner. Im like you, hate and revenge are not a part of my vocabulary. If he has a lover aside from me, it is his cup of tea. My wife of almost 35 years told me she had had an affair with her boss and my friend almost 30 years ago. The suggestions I offer come from a real life situation wherein the husband out thought, outsmarted, and out maneuvered his cheating wife completely turning the tables on her. No trial, no investigation and proof. I wonder if you read the replies there. I divorced him and he married her. In retrospect, my naivete was breathtaking, but that was before a therapeutic consensus against all of the above emerged, before the current cornucopia of helpful books on affair recovery, and certainly before helpful websites like this one. Also definately dont tell how you know - it's none of her business and it's imaterial anyway plus it just gives her a chance to turn things on you. Please seek professional care if you believe you may have a condition. If you need more information about the affair(s), hire a private investigator or become a computer snoop. Hi Jeff. I need nothing from him. Can't you see you're dealing with an uber being? Contributors control their own work and posted freely to our site. Stop hoping, praying, reasoning, panicking, dreaming. I know that if I were in her shoes, If she didnt know my spouse and I were together and found out he had been lying not only to her but his wife and child, I would never want t anything to do with the guy ever again. So I answered the call that night and two hours later it was all over. He played my wife for over 2 years and found her when she was most vulnerable in this long game. lol! jesus My friend you are in big time denial. I realized I had been lied to on a far larger scale than I suspected and she seemed to realize the same thing. Acceptance is the best thing that will ever happen to you. I've documented this experience in previous posts. I'm sure the tellers had their antennas tuned all the way up since we were discussing infidelity and different ways to respond. of the situation. I messaged them and asked if they wouldn't mind speaking to me. Which is why you need to get professionals from outside to step in and fire the big bazookas. When the PI is done with his job, he will have a watertight folder of documentary evidence that nails her infedility. Butbe prepared for her to deny and deny and deny until confronted with that proof. Go right ahead. Sorry, but better to find out now that she is what she is than 10 years down the road. You clearly know that. I would not want something like that to happen. Though I run this site, it is not mine. Let me spare you the trouble -- don't go there. Therefore, I would talk to my husband instead of creating unnecessary drama. albertdexter, July 5, 2011 in Infidelity. When he ended the affair, the in-laws were enraged and drove 8 hours to our city to "comfort her" since she was so devastated. Click to opt-out of Google Analytics tracking. She's getting a high off two men fighting for her. Ive been struggling with whether or not to respond to my husbands ap. Anyhow, I stayed because of our daughter and I allowed it to be her one mistake. It's called buyers remorse. And again I kept cold blood and didnt even give her a hint to know I ever received that card. Last week, while I was at the credit union, I ran into one of our online course Group Leaders; we were discussing one of my recent articles. The letter outlined what had been going on in our lives over the last couple years and how I understood what and why my husband had been looking for attention. But it became clear that it was all a lie. This post was published on the now-closed HuffPost Contributor platform. What if you should meet up with her by chance? She denied knowing he was ever married (lie) and blamed everything on him. He naturally attributed the initiative in the affair to my wife, while she attributes it to him, but how can I decide who's accurate about that? What happened with you two? For me, it has helped immensely. He turned so pale, looking like he honestly thought Id never find out at all. b) Making point a) above, redundantwherein you and your attorney so shame her with a few select documentary evidences of her picadilloes (promising her that a much larger cache evidence is available with your attorney), that she decides not to contest the divorce, and virtually signs on dotted lines. provide your spouse with the opportunity to openly demonstrate how much he/she cares about his/her lover. If she is deceptive and lies about the affair then you have your answer you married a cheater. @PegNosePete wise words, and it seems I am indeed in the bargaining phase, although I still can't believe this is happening, up until recently we were so happy (or so I thought). She is a third party and should not be involved in the matter in any way. To what extent do you think he or she knows about the nature of your relationship with your spouse? If she is spreading her legs and orifices wide for him to fine tune her plumbing on a daily basis, so be it. He is committed, I thank God he had awakening from this terrible mistake. Either you've got really low self-esteem and opt to be a side dish, or you're flamingly narcissistic. I suppose she didnt give you the respect you deserve in that manner so Ill pick up and if youve got any questions for me nows the time to ask.". Will your spouse take your side? I'm hoping that time will heal. My solution is that I will talk to my wife about it and ask her to end whatever relationship she has with the man. Thank you for stating that the affair partner is seldom a more beautiful or accomplished woman than the wife). More often than not, it's better to keep the discussion between you and your spouse rather than involve the other person. Obviously, she has her own demons to battle. Do not upset the poor girl. He is to blame because he would not say no. The last thing you want to do is let another person have the power to control your peace of mind. Only if you think you can shame them out of the affairs. Probably you should decide whether its OK for her to continue. If so, treat them as anyon You might find out what would shock you: Before you agree to meet with the other man/woman you must analyze the possibilities of what you might be told and how it might This doesnt tarnish who you are or what you can become. I will not be involved in any physical combat with anyone. Have you watched those recovery programs? If you really think she will change then I have huge admiration for you, but it'll be a rough journey and you need to be able to be open with each other. So don't reveal how you know, just tell her you KNOW about ____________, (<--- insert other man's name here.). You haven't even been M that long! HomeForumsRelationshipsConfronted my wife tonight. Doing that wouldnt make a difference Eseiegbe Efe. Complete reversal of what she thought before. Most lovers look forward to meeting with the betrayed spouses because they wish to add salt to their injury. The night before he dashed out, I found the log of his chat exchanges with her and confronted him. I learned a language and met some of the coolest friends. So that now when I do think of one of the horrible details, all I feel is victory!!! The person I have business with is my husband not her-Tobiloba Oko-Oboh. He may feel obligated to listen to her complain about you. Just what I needed to hear. If you do not respect yourself then who will? She used our meeting to gain sympathy from her husband. Anyway , He did lie about most everything that I ask about and said he couldn't remember any details . I want to call his cell this morning and say "this is very awkward for me but do you have a couple minutes. Pointing and laughing? Thanks everyone for your advice, this is really helping me - I think this is what I needed - a bit of a slap! As you already admitted, given the situation find yourself in, your self confidence is broken, you can not think straight, and your mind is just going crazy trying to make sense of it all. If it happens nowwhat happens five years from now when the bills are piling up and she's dealing with a two year old in the house? Yes, bills, parenting, and life goes on. Go get a big steak, go lift some weights and then think about this. How could one as dim and sexless as you understand someone as compelling as them? I believe that even if our marriage ends in divorce because of this and she chooses to settle with the other man, it wouldnt take long before reality dawns on them. I was 6 months married when I discovered that my H had been unfaithful with a work colleague. She found my number on her husband's phone bill and called me. Truth About Deception back to our home page. Do NOT confront your sweet wife with anything. None of that should affect you however. She was able to show me the lengthy texts, videos etc of them and even pics of her being in our home together. The point is to get away from them both and stop giving your cheater and the affair partner your precious mental energy. I just need some answers and I am not getting them! Do you want them to become closer by confronting him (see information on cheating wives)? Your son, any pets, and yourself. The world is still spinning. You know what says "you are beneath contempt"? Every once in a while she makes a new fake profile, and tries again. Thank you!! The problem is between my man and me. Even so, now you could get her to reconcile on YOUR TERMS. My H is pursuing healing, our marriage is fully restored and thriving, we are living our best lives. Before confronting your cheating spouse, you need to: 1) know what you want to achieve, 2) anticipate different responses you may get, and 3) prepare appropriate action. Readying it for sail again. Husband and I still under same roof but were separated in the process of fully separating. Angry, you bet! When devastated by my wife's adultery I responded with great naivete: I believed my wife's partial & trickle truths; in response to her blaming me I took on much too much responsibility & accepted her revisionist history of our marriage; I did not demand an immediate cessation of the affair & no contact; I did not demand she make amends. But all of this is in hindsight, no one could of predicted this storm.Old hands will retire from their service with you, while new ones will enlist. "Stay away from my wife!" Before I found out the truth we had a long talk and I said she could tell me anything, and that we could work it out. A couple of things to consider: What is your intention? Worse, if you come at them all classy -- appealing to their sense of shared humanity and common decency -- they will delight in their superiority. This has nothing to do with each others families. It didnt seem to bother her that he was lying to her - she just said what fun he must be having sleeping with us both. And her family is fairly traditional, and I feel would look extremely negatively upon her for a very long time if they knew shed had an affair. If you know the other person, you may feel compelled to tell them that you know about the relationship and that their dirty little secret is out. E. There are better women out there. It's been so bad that our daughters don't really even care to see or speak to their grandfather before he dies. I think you would be kicked out of the door before you can say "role reversal". She was dumped by him when their 4.5 year double life came out by way of a wrongly sent text to me from my partner. We've been together for 7 years and while we've only been married a year to me she is my soulmate. Worked in my case, but I get why you'd advise against it. My husband claimed she called it off. At that point, you have 90% of the battle won. They were married for 17 years and he died of stage 4 lung cancer at age 60. And only one person would be able to keep the $hit from hitting the fan. I would like to communicate with you further! I am not sorry that I did, but I probably did fuel the fire some. Probably not. Always a way out. I want to stay married. Truth About Deception back to our home page. The conversation brought us both closer to the light. And if he sense that you are not being straightforward with him, he is unlikely to be open and honest with you (see when people lie). She didn't say anything about the affair. *You are continuous and undying. To compare notes. I don't blame her. Butwhat do you intend to do with this confrontation? My partner lies whenever I have asked for the truth. Its wrong for me to engage her lover in afight in public. It was true, I DID have to have them. What if I dont know him? Can you imganine the drama and the extra stress? makes your wife really central. Why? Cheater 101 dude. The sea calls to you again. -- you're going to validate their assumptions. While you continue to play the dumb, trusting, naive husband. Copyright 2004 If you need to flag this entry as abusive. He just needs to do it. Youre both confused about what you want and need time for your own life. He wanted change, but instead of fixing the problems, he tried the easy way out. It was against my religion, but I had no choice. It only causes heartbreak for you. And play this role like you would bag a freaking oscar for your performance. Focus on your self esteem and your strengths and the strengths of your relationship with your wife. Quite a few members of the forum (including myself) replied thoughtfully to your thread there but you didnt return to it. Until I did. Does it make a difference? Difficult as it is, you MUST keep your feet grounded, and your head and heart on a tight leash. THAT was my mistake. Yeah, there's some irony in that, huh? Confronting the affair partner is the essence of the pick me dance. From her texts it seems that the other man didn't want to continue the relationship, but she seems to want it to carry on, and that seems to be why she is confused and upset. If you've been tempted to confront the affair partner, leave it to professionals. We verbalize happy and unhappy and we talk more. Her husband and her husband's lover promise her that they won't see each other again after she discovered their relationship. If the other person is in the dark about the nature of your relationship with your spouse, it may help to confront him or herthus creating awareness that you are going to put up a fight and that you love your You cannot. It can start with your attitude and habits toward mudane chores, and grow into appreciation for the littlest of lifes pleasures. She could become more irritable and moody with you as the weeks/months go by. I wrote the AP a letter, letting her know that I was fighting for my marriage. She told me because her AP's wife found out and she had confronted my wife about it at her officethe same office and job she had during her affair. Each person has to make their own decisions, but I hope you don't cause yourself any more pain. I found out and he has been transparent with everything. That's where all of us recovering from adultery need to focus. It's been many years since that drama unfolded into a finale of heartbreak, tears, and fury. If you do not respect yourself then who will? First of all, even if he did say these things, (which he claims he didn't, but who knows the truth) how could you look your married lover's wife, one who just lost a much wanted pregnancy, straight in the eye and make these claims to her? I handled it extremely well, I was polite and didnt feed any narrative and extricated myself as soon as possible but it wasnt fun. Conflicts are Sometimes separtion is whats best for the child. Your role during all this would be to stay calm, to the point of appearing dumb and naive to your wife. just stop! Would I do it again? Sofor really the first time in 38 years I am very serious in considering getting a divorce. My errand accomplished nothing. They are weak individuals- who would choose to be anyones leftovers? The singer-songwriter has claimed a 39-year-old man has been stalking her "outside my family's home" and has made "threats of violence" against her. I wish i had never done this and had never said anything to my H. Just for my ducks in a row and left preserving my dignity. Don't participate in this humiliating game. Dont ever contact the ow . But i hope i can be of some assistance. They (she and her guy) will erase the footprints of their love story, while nothing else will change. It's an ego boost to your cheater. Like my husband stood up to defend my honor, becquse we did Iit together! 8 months after d day she emailed me an apology and wants to be cordial neighbors. Regardless of How do I get past my disdain for this other person? You will get through this. Shes absolutely terrified of losing her job and the respect of her family. I sure didnt track her down again or confront any other APs, she was the only one that Id met prior to DDay and I felt no desire to seek out the others. My ex suddenly wanted a divorce and it turned out it was so she could run off with a married mutual friend that I actually was asking for advice on what was wrong with her. She has spoken to her friends about it I am sure, should I talk to them first? I will probably always love her. Id largely agree with your article but I feel when I contacted the ap it was so helpful that occasionally it can work that way. Then she changed her tune and told me "he'd never been in love with me and was going to start a new life with her." Have a gameplan in place for dealing with that. My wife affaired waaay down. For the last few weeks, Ive been sitting on this evidence, but tonight I finally confronted her, literally just a couple of hours ago. 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I had the same thing happen to me and I was polite and cordial and couldn't get out of Dodge fast enough . She will need to resolve her feelings. Whatever you have decided by then (divorce, reconciliation etc) would be execute per your wishes and she would very well like to go in for an (uncontested) mutual amicable divorce (on your terms). You! It's all good. It will make me feel like I am not capable of meeting her needs.
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You want to Sure wish I would have read this post before I decided to confront. Confronting her would only bring more conflicts into our marriage thereby creating distance between me and my husband. To learn when registration opens back up, click the button below. Maybe you're still waiting to come up with the perfect withering remark to deliver along with your poisoned umbrella tip. It gave me even more strength and let me feel better about myself. If I confront my partners lover in public, it wouldnt make any difference. Tough! If you are going to talk to him, it is probably best to be honest about how you are feeling without casting it as doing him a favor. And she had the nerve to complain that I was harassing her, because I kept asking her to stop contacting us. I believe my healing restarted every other day. People never cease to amaze me, both the evil and the naive. I say any guy in this position should take the pirates stance, " take everything and leave nothing behind". Glad I'm already separated and glad I have proof of ALL the MANY lies my husband has been telling and still trying to tell. Dude, your "world" has already collapsed. Damn this is hard, I'm glad you are all here. She vowed to leave him and told me she had divorce papers ready to go. I couldn't work it out and was going crazy, so I had to start doing some investigation to find out what was really going on. Anyhoo, am I hurt of course! As we discussed more, I think I understand more now. The best solution is to talk to my husband. Don't make me explain it to you. Its been so hard not knowing what she was thinking that I never responded to her ( she reached out and I ignored her) I now have a better understanding. Of course he forwarded my email to her, and to my utter shock she let him know that she didn't feel the same as I did (she was still DEEP in the fog of the affair and hadn't confronted her illusions and rationalizations yet) and that her 'friendship' with him (old boyfriend from 30 years earlier) always had and always would be special to her. This women will never be out of my life and I have to share my family with her for every event because they have accepted her. Some people respond by backing down, some people respond by attacking, and some people will try to avoid the confrontation I believe my spouse and I can talk things over and settle our differences without involving a third party. I traveled to a random country and got off the plane realizing it was a Muslim country. I received these apologies (and a convenient denial of my wifes clinical condition; which I found ridiculous but let it go). *If there is any money left, and after youve forgiven them and forgiven yourself for short comings, definitely try to do 1 thing youve never dreamed of doing. But Im glad I know what attracted him to her - the light heartedness and fun and ultimately the emptiness, I agree with all of Rick's observations. And again, what do you hope to accomplish by calling your wifes lover? No, I cannot and will not confront her in public. Not as bad as you, but I do fell your pain. This is not your problem, this is hers. And then she sent another message that she would be happy to meet to set the record straight. I think we have to clear the air. It is only a mad man that will do that. I dont think she really wants to be married to me at all. By entering your email and clicking Sign Up, you're agreeing to let us send you customized marketing messages about us and our advertising partners. My husbands job was about to dictate him to be working out of the town he and his AP spent time in on a two week gone one week home schedule for the next three months. I did confront her. I wish you luck and stop being afraid. Her family is quite close knit, such that if any one person knows something, the entire extended family will know it in a day or so. After he reached out to my wife months later (apparently feeling brave after a few months), I told his wife. I came clean. If she INSISTS on evidence, ask her why she needs to see the evidence. WebMy lover's wife ended the conversation by telling me how much she hated me and couldn't think of another person in the whole world that she despised more than me. Viewing 10 posts - 1 through 10 (of 10 total), This topic has 9 replies, 7 voices, and was last updated. Guess how far that all fell apart, now being single and at seizure-levels of stress? Consider the source. We even went and had drinks with her and the other other woman lol. No kids? There is no need for me to confront my spouses lover in public. You'll probably fish more information out of her that way anyhow. My username is signalhill84. Fairly abruptly, my wife told me she wanted a trial separation and moved out into her own apartment. You need to calmly explain your feelings and tell her to put herself in your shoes. I feel that it is great that you do the same . The person I have business with is my husband. Logically, I know she's crazy and was grasping at straws trying to "win." Over the years, this 17-week, small group course has helped thousands of people find hope, set healthy boundaries and move toward extraordinary lives. You're nuts. Think about yourself man, it's all you can do. She knew I existed. Are you sure it's a councillor not a solicitor? How to Deal With a Lying Spouse. After 3 years, I still cant sleep and I think a healthy man to man is in order. Because she will turn the tables on you and claim she can't trust you because you snooped. As much as you love heryou might well be better off without her in your life, given what all has gone on. Yes I know she would lie to me if it helped her cause - I cant trust her - and phoning her is the only way I know to find out if the affair is over, but I cant as if it is over it would start it up again, and if it isnt I know the truth will find me in Gods perfect time. I ghosted her and have always felt like I missed the opportunity to let her have it! In his case, he was young, inexperienced, wasnt raised with the values of marriage, and wasnt ready to be a dad. Trying to get them to "get it" is futile. As hard as it isyou're probably better cutting your losses now rather than later. I insisted on being told the truth or she was to I Literally just gave birth to his child and we live together. Hes 25+ years my senior, very successful rich even. And to make matters more complicated, how someone responds during the confrontation doesnt necessarily indicate how they will respond after he or she has had time to think about what was said. She wanted to know everything. Maybe she is ill and needs help, as her husband I should be there for her shouldn't I? Amazing. Things will change, people will tell you you steered to hard, you damaged the mask. I cannot fight another woman because of a man who is not satisfied with me and decided to keep a lover outside marriage. How fabulous. Don't let this woman use you as a doormat or she will cheat on you again. Ill disgrace myself, kids, family if I do that- Ibrahim Badmus. Mine lives on our Street. I have a reputation I would not want to tarnish. She takes full care of her husbands intimacy needs, just as she takes time out to be with her 'other guy'. So unless you have reason to believe that there will be a positive outcome, it may be best to avoid a confronting the other person. My candid answer is no. Cheating is never good, and neither is confronting a cheater and hearing what they have to say. Goes to show you its all their own issues, not anything to do with us. Completely unfair. I will walk out of the marriage- Derek Agyei. The content on Tiny Buddha is designed to support, not replace, medical or psychiatric treatment. You poor pathetic chump, begging for your marriage. Maybe I am a wimp, I'm here for advice and I can't help the way I feel. Thanks everyone for your messages. This girl is delusional. I expect no apologies, no truth, no remorse. There are no kids and assets are minimal so that is not my concern. She basically wanted to discuss two things. You are wondering if she will get banged by that dude today or not. We call the hubby a 'cuckolded husband'. Leave it up to her to decide what to tell her family. Think, coolly about these options. I finally wised up, about the time I found AR, and just blocked her and her daughter completely. Being in an affair has been likened to addiction, and in confronting the affair partner, you're trying to sober them up. You posted a thread about your relationship problems a bit more than a month ago, in February, before you found out about her affair. Do talk to her about the situation. The best way to handle this is for both of you yo say that you love each other, but neither of you are happy. This was 1.5 years ago and they have maintained a close friendship with her. Tell her that you KNOWpoint blank, irrefutably. The most important thing to remember; is every new day you are rebuilding and retooling your ship. OK, so I realize youre probably in a very emotional state right now, and thats justified. But really, your wifes lovers are not the people with I told her Gid has a plan for her life and that plan is not my husband. I offer my experience only by way of illustration. Filing for divorce. What you thought was your world is actually not the truth at all. Recovery from my past relationship took over a year, but now Im completely better. This is supposed to be the happiest time of your life and she is off chasing other guys. It would be a relief and would give me tonnes of extra energy for our relationship. Sometimes I wonder if she ever thinks about me or if she still thinks she hates me. Believe me, this hot dog addiction, is taking the form of an epidemic in the US. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. My focus has been on my relationship with my wife. It was a confusing, emotional and destructive time in my life, to say the least. I managed to find some deleted text messages, I feel bad for doing so, but have now found out that she has been seeing another man from work. Do not reveal how you know. I really see no need to address such issue. But I would tell the truth, just the facts. That was certainly true in our situation. I confronted my husband's affair partner. Im like you, hate and revenge are not a part of my vocabulary. If he has a lover aside from me, it is his cup of tea. My wife of almost 35 years told me she had had an affair with her boss and my friend almost 30 years ago. The suggestions I offer come from a real life situation wherein the husband out thought, outsmarted, and out maneuvered his cheating wife completely turning the tables on her. No trial, no investigation and proof. I wonder if you read the replies there. I divorced him and he married her. In retrospect, my naivete was breathtaking, but that was before a therapeutic consensus against all of the above emerged, before the current cornucopia of helpful books on affair recovery, and certainly before helpful websites like this one. Also definately dont tell how you know - it's none of her business and it's imaterial anyway plus it just gives her a chance to turn things on you. Please seek professional care if you believe you may have a condition. If you need more information about the affair(s), hire a private investigator or become a computer snoop. Hi Jeff. I need nothing from him. Can't you see you're dealing with an uber being? Contributors control their own work and posted freely to our site. Stop hoping, praying, reasoning, panicking, dreaming. I know that if I were in her shoes, If she didnt know my spouse and I were together and found out he had been lying not only to her but his wife and child, I would never want t anything to do with the guy ever again. So I answered the call that night and two hours later it was all over. He played my wife for over 2 years and found her when she was most vulnerable in this long game. lol! jesus My friend you are in big time denial. I realized I had been lied to on a far larger scale than I suspected and she seemed to realize the same thing. Acceptance is the best thing that will ever happen to you. I've documented this experience in previous posts. I'm sure the tellers had their antennas tuned all the way up since we were discussing infidelity and different ways to respond. of the situation. I messaged them and asked if they wouldn't mind speaking to me. Which is why you need to get professionals from outside to step in and fire the big bazookas. When the PI is done with his job, he will have a watertight folder of documentary evidence that nails her infedility. Butbe prepared for her to deny and deny and deny until confronted with that proof. Go right ahead. Sorry, but better to find out now that she is what she is than 10 years down the road. You clearly know that. I would not want something like that to happen. Though I run this site, it is not mine. Let me spare you the trouble -- don't go there. Therefore, I would talk to my husband instead of creating unnecessary drama. albertdexter, July 5, 2011 in Infidelity. When he ended the affair, the in-laws were enraged and drove 8 hours to our city to "comfort her" since she was so devastated. Click to opt-out of Google Analytics tracking. She's getting a high off two men fighting for her. Ive been struggling with whether or not to respond to my husbands ap. Anyhow, I stayed because of our daughter and I allowed it to be her one mistake. It's called buyers remorse. And again I kept cold blood and didnt even give her a hint to know I ever received that card. Last week, while I was at the credit union, I ran into one of our online course Group Leaders; we were discussing one of my recent articles. The letter outlined what had been going on in our lives over the last couple years and how I understood what and why my husband had been looking for attention. But it became clear that it was all a lie. This post was published on the now-closed HuffPost Contributor platform. What if you should meet up with her by chance? She denied knowing he was ever married (lie) and blamed everything on him. He naturally attributed the initiative in the affair to my wife, while she attributes it to him, but how can I decide who's accurate about that? What happened with you two? For me, it has helped immensely. He turned so pale, looking like he honestly thought Id never find out at all. b) Making point a) above, redundantwherein you and your attorney so shame her with a few select documentary evidences of her picadilloes (promising her that a much larger cache evidence is available with your attorney), that she decides not to contest the divorce, and virtually signs on dotted lines. provide your spouse with the opportunity to openly demonstrate how much he/she cares about his/her lover. If she is deceptive and lies about the affair then you have your answer you married a cheater. @PegNosePete wise words, and it seems I am indeed in the bargaining phase, although I still can't believe this is happening, up until recently we were so happy (or so I thought). She is a third party and should not be involved in the matter in any way. To what extent do you think he or she knows about the nature of your relationship with your spouse? If she is spreading her legs and orifices wide for him to fine tune her plumbing on a daily basis, so be it. He is committed, I thank God he had awakening from this terrible mistake. Either you've got really low self-esteem and opt to be a side dish, or you're flamingly narcissistic. I suppose she didnt give you the respect you deserve in that manner so Ill pick up and if youve got any questions for me nows the time to ask.". Will your spouse take your side? I'm hoping that time will heal. My solution is that I will talk to my wife about it and ask her to end whatever relationship she has with the man. Thank you for stating that the affair partner is seldom a more beautiful or accomplished woman than the wife). More often than not, it's better to keep the discussion between you and your spouse rather than involve the other person. Obviously, she has her own demons to battle. Do not upset the poor girl. He is to blame because he would not say no. The last thing you want to do is let another person have the power to control your peace of mind. Only if you think you can shame them out of the affairs. Probably you should decide whether its OK for her to continue. If so, treat them as anyon You might find out what would shock you: Before you agree to meet with the other man/woman you must analyze the possibilities of what you might be told and how it might This doesnt tarnish who you are or what you can become. I will not be involved in any physical combat with anyone. Have you watched those recovery programs? If you really think she will change then I have huge admiration for you, but it'll be a rough journey and you need to be able to be open with each other. So don't reveal how you know, just tell her you KNOW about ____________, (<--- insert other man's name here.). You haven't even been M that long! HomeForumsRelationshipsConfronted my wife tonight. Doing that wouldnt make a difference Eseiegbe Efe. Complete reversal of what she thought before. Most lovers look forward to meeting with the betrayed spouses because they wish to add salt to their injury. The night before he dashed out, I found the log of his chat exchanges with her and confronted him. I learned a language and met some of the coolest friends. So that now when I do think of one of the horrible details, all I feel is victory!!! The person I have business with is my husband not her-Tobiloba Oko-Oboh. He may feel obligated to listen to her complain about you. Just what I needed to hear. If you do not respect yourself then who will? She used our meeting to gain sympathy from her husband. Anyway , He did lie about most everything that I ask about and said he couldn't remember any details . I want to call his cell this morning and say "this is very awkward for me but do you have a couple minutes. Pointing and laughing? Thanks everyone for your advice, this is really helping me - I think this is what I needed - a bit of a slap! As you already admitted, given the situation find yourself in, your self confidence is broken, you can not think straight, and your mind is just going crazy trying to make sense of it all. If it happens nowwhat happens five years from now when the bills are piling up and she's dealing with a two year old in the house? Yes, bills, parenting, and life goes on. Go get a big steak, go lift some weights and then think about this. How could one as dim and sexless as you understand someone as compelling as them? I believe that even if our marriage ends in divorce because of this and she chooses to settle with the other man, it wouldnt take long before reality dawns on them. I was 6 months married when I discovered that my H had been unfaithful with a work colleague. She found my number on her husband's phone bill and called me. Truth About Deception back to our home page. Do NOT confront your sweet wife with anything. None of that should affect you however. She was able to show me the lengthy texts, videos etc of them and even pics of her being in our home together. The point is to get away from them both and stop giving your cheater and the affair partner your precious mental energy. I just need some answers and I am not getting them! Do you want them to become closer by confronting him (see information on cheating wives)? Your son, any pets, and yourself. The world is still spinning. You know what says "you are beneath contempt"? Every once in a while she makes a new fake profile, and tries again. Thank you!! The problem is between my man and me. Even so, now you could get her to reconcile on YOUR TERMS. My H is pursuing healing, our marriage is fully restored and thriving, we are living our best lives. Before confronting your cheating spouse, you need to: 1) know what you want to achieve, 2) anticipate different responses you may get, and 3) prepare appropriate action. Readying it for sail again. Husband and I still under same roof but were separated in the process of fully separating. Angry, you bet! When devastated by my wife's adultery I responded with great naivete: I believed my wife's partial & trickle truths; in response to her blaming me I took on much too much responsibility & accepted her revisionist history of our marriage; I did not demand an immediate cessation of the affair & no contact; I did not demand she make amends. But all of this is in hindsight, no one could of predicted this storm.Old hands will retire from their service with you, while new ones will enlist. "Stay away from my wife!" Before I found out the truth we had a long talk and I said she could tell me anything, and that we could work it out. A couple of things to consider: What is your intention? Worse, if you come at them all classy -- appealing to their sense of shared humanity and common decency -- they will delight in their superiority. This has nothing to do with each others families. It didnt seem to bother her that he was lying to her - she just said what fun he must be having sleeping with us both. And her family is fairly traditional, and I feel would look extremely negatively upon her for a very long time if they knew shed had an affair. If you know the other person, you may feel compelled to tell them that you know about the relationship and that their dirty little secret is out. E. There are better women out there. It's been so bad that our daughters don't really even care to see or speak to their grandfather before he dies. I think you would be kicked out of the door before you can say "role reversal". She was dumped by him when their 4.5 year double life came out by way of a wrongly sent text to me from my partner. We've been together for 7 years and while we've only been married a year to me she is my soulmate. Worked in my case, but I get why you'd advise against it. My husband claimed she called it off. At that point, you have 90% of the battle won. They were married for 17 years and he died of stage 4 lung cancer at age 60. And only one person would be able to keep the $hit from hitting the fan. I would like to communicate with you further! I am not sorry that I did, but I probably did fuel the fire some. Probably not. Always a way out. I want to stay married. Truth About Deception back to our home page. The conversation brought us both closer to the light. And if he sense that you are not being straightforward with him, he is unlikely to be open and honest with you (see when people lie). She didn't say anything about the affair. *You are continuous and undying. To compare notes. I don't blame her. Butwhat do you intend to do with this confrontation? My partner lies whenever I have asked for the truth. Its wrong for me to engage her lover in afight in public. It was true, I DID have to have them. What if I dont know him? Can you imganine the drama and the extra stress? makes your wife really central. Why? Cheater 101 dude. The sea calls to you again. -- you're going to validate their assumptions. While you continue to play the dumb, trusting, naive husband. Copyright 2004 If you need to flag this entry as abusive. He just needs to do it. Youre both confused about what you want and need time for your own life. He wanted change, but instead of fixing the problems, he tried the easy way out. It was against my religion, but I had no choice. It only causes heartbreak for you. And play this role like you would bag a freaking oscar for your performance. Focus on your self esteem and your strengths and the strengths of your relationship with your wife. Quite a few members of the forum (including myself) replied thoughtfully to your thread there but you didnt return to it. Until I did. Does it make a difference? Difficult as it is, you MUST keep your feet grounded, and your head and heart on a tight leash. THAT was my mistake. Yeah, there's some irony in that, huh? Confronting the affair partner is the essence of the pick me dance. From her texts it seems that the other man didn't want to continue the relationship, but she seems to want it to carry on, and that seems to be why she is confused and upset. If you've been tempted to confront the affair partner, leave it to professionals. We verbalize happy and unhappy and we talk more. Her husband and her husband's lover promise her that they won't see each other again after she discovered their relationship. If the other person is in the dark about the nature of your relationship with your spouse, it may help to confront him or herthus creating awareness that you are going to put up a fight and that you love your You cannot. It can start with your attitude and habits toward mudane chores, and grow into appreciation for the littlest of lifes pleasures. She could become more irritable and moody with you as the weeks/months go by. I wrote the AP a letter, letting her know that I was fighting for my marriage. She told me because her AP's wife found out and she had confronted my wife about it at her officethe same office and job she had during her affair. Each person has to make their own decisions, but I hope you don't cause yourself any more pain. I found out and he has been transparent with everything. That's where all of us recovering from adultery need to focus. It's been many years since that drama unfolded into a finale of heartbreak, tears, and fury. If you do not respect yourself then who will? First of all, even if he did say these things, (which he claims he didn't, but who knows the truth) how could you look your married lover's wife, one who just lost a much wanted pregnancy, straight in the eye and make these claims to her? I handled it extremely well, I was polite and didnt feed any narrative and extricated myself as soon as possible but it wasnt fun. Conflicts are Sometimes separtion is whats best for the child. Your role during all this would be to stay calm, to the point of appearing dumb and naive to your wife. just stop! Would I do it again? Sofor really the first time in 38 years I am very serious in considering getting a divorce. My errand accomplished nothing. They are weak individuals- who would choose to be anyones leftovers? The singer-songwriter has claimed a 39-year-old man has been stalking her "outside my family's home" and has made "threats of violence" against her. I wish i had never done this and had never said anything to my H. Just for my ducks in a row and left preserving my dignity. Don't participate in this humiliating game. Dont ever contact the ow . But i hope i can be of some assistance. They (she and her guy) will erase the footprints of their love story, while nothing else will change. It's an ego boost to your cheater. Like my husband stood up to defend my honor, becquse we did Iit together! 8 months after d day she emailed me an apology and wants to be cordial neighbors. Regardless of How do I get past my disdain for this other person? You will get through this. Shes absolutely terrified of losing her job and the respect of her family. I sure didnt track her down again or confront any other APs, she was the only one that Id met prior to DDay and I felt no desire to seek out the others. My ex suddenly wanted a divorce and it turned out it was so she could run off with a married mutual friend that I actually was asking for advice on what was wrong with her. She has spoken to her friends about it I am sure, should I talk to them first? I will probably always love her. Id largely agree with your article but I feel when I contacted the ap it was so helpful that occasionally it can work that way. Then she changed her tune and told me "he'd never been in love with me and was going to start a new life with her." Have a gameplan in place for dealing with that. My wife affaired waaay down. For the last few weeks, Ive been sitting on this evidence, but tonight I finally confronted her, literally just a couple of hours ago. 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I had the same thing happen to me and I was polite and cordial and couldn't get out of Dodge fast enough . She will need to resolve her feelings. Whatever you have decided by then (divorce, reconciliation etc) would be execute per your wishes and she would very well like to go in for an (uncontested) mutual amicable divorce (on your terms). You! It's all good. It will make me feel like I am not capable of meeting her needs.
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