clean talk communication

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clean talk communication

Its hard to move forward if you keep rehashing the past; instead, let sleeping dogs lie. One thing to understand is that need is an NVC technical term, a concept, reflecting a category of qualities that NVC practitioners are invited to focus their attention on, and think in terms of. Be the first to write a review. Any model is likely to need to adopt particular definitions for the words it uses. The communicative 'affordances and constraints' of BIM structured meeting conversations away from less structured, open-ending problem-solving and towards agenda-driven problem-solving around. Checks the existing comments and users for spam, We use cookies to provide our services and analyze site usage in accordance with our Privacy Policy. There is no guidance in NVC that says we should not think, or should not discern, assess, make value judgements, try to sense, etc. Buy It Now. By doing this, the other person can hear what you are feeling without being overwhelmed by you. Check IP or Email with the Blacklists Database. But, it could happen, so I value the possibility being named. I feel grateful to have this issue be named, because I think that it is a factor that often gets in the way of the intended fruits of NVC being fully realized, often even among those who think themselves proficient at NVC. Communicate privately with other cleaners from around the world. When we raise our voice, withdraw into cold hostility, adopt a sneering tone, or employ biting sarcasm, we can wound those we love. There is a profound mental shift that needs to be practiced in order to achieve an inner paradigm shift. loving relating, such that we can compassionately see and honor peoples beauty and humanity, while also fully honoring what matters to one another; transcending ways of thinking that limit our ability to see a way forward that could work for all; living in alignment with intrinsic motivations, and experiencing more aliveness and joy. The desire to escape shame seems to be a driving factor in substance abuse and many other unwanted behaviors, and so shaming would potentially be tragically counterproductive. In criticizing behavior, youre calling out something specific and temporary something the person can realistically change. To do this, you want to swap out your you-centered accusations for statements that emphasize I how you feel when your partner does certain things. You offer "There's something I'd like to talk to you about. In the mainstream paradigm, sometimes referred to as the domination paradigm: In the partnership paradigm that NVC tries to support: Let me define a few terms, from an NVC-inspired perspective. You also say "Dr. Rosenberg isn't a Jungian, so perhaps he believes that it's possible to stop our inner river of judgments from flowing if we try hard enough.". This matches what Clean Talk advocates for, albeit with an extra stage of checking first before offering judgments. I read through a bunch of relationship advice books recently looking for some good bits that might be helpful to pass along to readers. I gather that Clean Talk offers some ideas about this, and those may be useful. Work opportunities - job leads that maybe in your area. But, these can be reduced, over time, with practice. In an earlier section, you quoted Rosenberg as being willing to say "'I am fearful of the use of violence to resolve conflicts; I value the resolution of human conflicts through other means." Need is also the component that is most easily misunderstood. Boeing will work with NASA to "build, test, and fly a full-scale demonstrator aircraft and validate technologies aimed at lowering emissions," the agency said. I am curious about ways in which we might explicitly talk about interpretations as a part of conversations intended to transform conflicts. Free US Delivery | ISBN:1524916137. You then quote Chapman Flack saying of watching Rosenberg "The effect is a curious picture of a man adroitly doing very fine, attentive thinking while insisting that it's not the thing to do.". So, paradoxically, because of my belief that the world would be better if there were less violence, I feel worried about endorsing conventional patterns of condemning of violence. Maybe fatigue, though thats not as comfortable a word for some to use? Fight spam! This kind of pejorative communication creates defensiveness and alienation, which makes it nearly impossible for a couple to address their issues together. We are simply talking about the case where all we really know is that they said no to our request. Rosenberg also gives strong advice on the importance of being able to interrupt someone if they speak for longer than you enjoy. We oftentimes want to think weve evolved past the flaws of our parents, so to hear youre just like your dad feels like a punch to the gut. What NVC is concerned about, in part, is the dynamic of sabotaging self-trust that can get set up when we assume that there is an objective truth about what is good and bad and that we are able to deliver authoritative judgments about this goodness/badness. To the contrary, Rosenberg was fond of encouraging people to "enjoy the jackal show," i.e., to accept and watch the stream of judgments that flow through our consciousness. I notice that I seem triggered, and I interpret this to mean this interaction is reminding me of some unhealed pain from the past. As far as moralistic judgments go I dont entirely agree with the premise that we cant stop making [moralistic] judgments." People often get caught up in believing that their interpretations are true to an extent that leaves them caught in an unhelpful trap. Loving relationships are the most important factor in a mans happiness, success, and ability to live a fully flourishing life. Whole messages consist of 4 parts: We havent been spending as much time together [Observation]. Oftentimes, you may think youre getting your message across to your significant other, but the result is a big miscommunication. ' While talking about your history together may be useful when youre both calm, MFP recommend sticking to the present when things are heated, as anger turns references to the past into a club rather than a source of enlightenment.. Considering the three beliefs you named, the one that stimulates a little concern in me is I think what I did was wrong. It all depends on what associations you have with an action being wrong. If you associate being wrong with I deserve to be punished and to suffer, then I would be concerned that this belief may amount to a type of violence towards self that may ultimately contribute to there being more violence in the world. Id like to offer some responses to your essay A Comparison of Clean Talk and Nonviolent Communication (NVC) which a colleague (Miki Kashtan) recently brought to my attention. Dr. Rosenberg dealt with some of the problematic aspects of our interpretations, the stories we tell ourselves, by encouraging people to shift their focus, to attend more to other components of experience that he felt were ultimately more important. Its assumed that it makes sense to look for ways to honor everyones needs, so that (to a very real extent) there are no winners and losers everyone gets to win. Consider whether it would be helpful to name this as a useful option. Global labels also make your partner feel helpless if the problem is rooted in their very identity/personality, changing will seem impossible to them. Clean 21 Cleanse Program . The open question isnt about whether discernment happens and is valuable, but about how it is likely to be useful to express this. Youre so self-centered and only care about yourself., Your moodiness is ruining our relationship, Youre always late and its driving me crazy, Podcast #863: Key Insights From the Longest Study on Happiness, A Mans Guide to Black Tie: How To Wear A Tuxedo, A Mans Guide to Fragrance: How to Choose and Wear Cologne, How to Pick the Perfect Mens Wedding Ring, Your No-Nonsense Guide to Choosing the Right Beard Style, How to Grow a Beard: The One and True Guide, Beard Oil FAQs: Answering All Your Pressing Beardly Questions, Beard Grooming 101: The Lowdown on Products and Routine, How to Recognize a Quality Tie in 60 Seconds, Podcast #860: Get Fit, Not Fried The Benefits of Zone 2 Cardio. NVC invites us to move out of the frame in which good/bad is the only means of expressing our enjoyment of others actions, and to provide more useful information to support others in understanding what we mean. Its more about (1) modeling that sort of expression we might be interested in (i.e., one supportive of mutual compassion), (2) signaling that we we are interested in what is going on for the other in a non-blaming way, and (3) making ourselves vulnerable (by offering a guess that could be wrong) rather than asking them to vulnerably reveal themselves without offering any vulnerability of our own. There are a multiplicity of reasons for this suggestion that have nothing to do with condescension. Avoid judgment words and loaded terms. / Clean Talk suggests that a word ending in "ed" is subtly suggesting that something outside of us is doing something to us, and that therefore we are not taking full ownership of what we feel and perhaps even accusing someone of something harmful.. Regarding the differences in popularity, aside from any differences in the merits of the practices, I'll note that Rosenberg spent decades living out of a suitcase, traveling the world, sharing NVC with anyone who would listen. (NVC, p.151) and". It is presumed that it is necessary to motivate people extrinsically, and that it makes sense to coerce people to do things that they dont intrinsically want to do. Im guessing you just didnt manage to do it, and I want it to be totally okay for you to be human. I can understand why Dr. Rosenberg might want to focus primarily on moralistic judgments, and use judgment as a convenient shorthand for that, while you might prefer to use judgment in a broader sense. What we say makes total sense to us, because we have the entire context of it in our heads. I cant tell if I would personally prefer to have things more spelled out or not. So, he made extreme statements intended to shock people out of overly head-oriented habits. However, my hope is that NVC practitioners will express interpretations in contexts where it is useful to do so, and be willing to listen to interpretation, and treat them as invitations to carry the conversation somewhere deeper. Is there a second-level want that it would be beneficial to express? Clean communication means keeping your voice as close to your normal tone and volume as possible. "You'd probably feel better if you got off your fat, lazy ass and . 100% Money-Back Guarantee.". On the other hand, suppose you approach the performer and say, When I listened to you sing, my cares fell away and I felt joy and awe it filled me with a sense of beauty. In this case, even if the performer perceived mistakes in their performance, there is nothing to argue with in your report of your own subjective experience; regardless of how the performer enjoyed their own performance, they can take in the way that their performance contributed to you. They hear something much different than you intended. I suspect that shifting our habits in regard to judgments is likely to be most effective if both practices are used regularly. Im curious about the apparent intensity of wanting to know more (you say, "I have questions"), with regard to some of these examples. CleanTalk Awards. The talking wall operates by using a thin durable Mylar diaphragm for sound transfer. Its a practice, for shifting our mental habits and re-orienting the way we relate to life. And, at the same time, I get stressed when what I expected to have happen doesnt. You Only Have 15 Minutes to Work Out. The logic for steering away from interpretations seems to me less universally relevant than does the logic for avoiding moralistic judgments. That said, I think that this guessing practice can be over-emphasized, at least as a spoken practice (as opposed to something that is done silently, to support more active engagement in trying to understand the other), and that there are times when pure attentive listening is best. There are some things that Rosenberg spoke about with less precision than I would like, and anger is one of them. And one of the most important factors in creating and sustaining these warm, intimate relationships is communication. My take on this is that using the word want (then following it with an NVC-style need) is generally a safer way of practicing NVC, and that Dr. Rosenberg used the word need sometimes primarily for pedagogical purposes. Here are some examples of global labels, and how they could be better rendered as specific critiques of behavior instead of character: As MFP put it, the essence of a you message is simply this: Im in pain and you did it to me. And theres usually this subtext: You were bad and wrong for doing it to me. When people slight us, it may be true that they are entirely, or almost entirely, to blame. MFP write that the basic message of a threat is: youre bad and Im going to punish you. Its a way of trying to compel desired behavior, but since it shuts down the whole discussion, even if it works in the short term, the underlying issue will remain unresolved. Give it to em straight, and give it to em cleanly. They are the judgments that go into formulating what will be expressed. I haven't often seen people getting into this sort of trouble. If your partner complies, shell only be doing it to avoid the consequences of your threat, and if she doesnt, the argument is going to escalate and/or keep reoccurring. The main risk is that, when anger is expressed, the listener is likely to infer the presence of blame and moralistic judgment, and this typically stimulates defensiveness in ways that are likely to interfere with optimal communication. You write that a direct request seems less effective, in part because "it assumes that the other person can supply the request. Im surprised by this assertion. I suspect this may be a consequence of unspoken moralistic judgments being present, underneath the words. For NVC to offer rigid rules would not be congruent with the type of attitudes NVC hopes to foster in its practitioners. "Used book that is in clean, average condition without any missing pages. On the other hand, when Rosenberg or anyone else teaches, they are engaged in a type of different activity, using what I might term Concept Mapping Talk transmitting concepts and how they relate to one anotherand the guidance that is relevant toteaching (once we've addressed the relational issue of whether there is consent to be together in a teaching context) is different than the guidance that relevant to addressing the relationship between us. Im open to feedback on the content of anything that I say, or on the way I express myself, and Ill be curious about how any of this is for you to receive. I dont know that you can understand NVCs stance on judgments if you only use the word judgment in the Clean Talk way, and fail to differentiate between "moralistic judgments" and other types of judgments. You write, "It seems to me that when a person using NVC refers to a need, he/she is making a judgment as if that judgment is an uncontested fact. Not at all there is no assertion that This is a need. Ideally, nothing is overtly labeled a need, any more than a musician, when playing a note, would say out loud this is a C-sharp. Its simply a concept to guide the practitioner in choosing what to do. My sense is that anger seems to involve a belief that someone has made a choice that has had a significant adverse impact on us, and that they could have made a different choice. With those who dont know NVC, its a way of inviting them into our non-blaming conversational frame. I dont think there is anything in NVC that prevents sharing our most precious beliefs. I converse at the level of interpretations much of the time. They accomplish this mission but at the expense of trust and intimacy. Readers will likely need to reference the essay,A Comparison of Clean Talk and Nonviolent Communication (NVC),to make sense out of my responses. as a way of alluding to whats there without unduly triggering the listener.). Interpersonal conflicts seem to often be deeply rooted in differing interpretations. Regarding using giraffe to label someone speaking NVC and jackal to label someone speaking more violently, I agree that this is a risky strategy for trying to support conceptual clarity. NASA said Wednesday it awarded $425 million to Boeing Co. for the agency's "Sustainable Flight Demonstrator" project as the Biden administration works to cut aviation sector emissions. Calling it a "second-level want" may make this excessive conciseness less likely. I think this is why NVC encourages practitioners to transform their anger. Im guessing that in the first example, youve omitted a No response between the two blocks of text, and in the second example, a No response should replace the second block of text [Sure, you can come along] though this still leaves both examples reading a bit strangely, in terms of how well the final guess seems to match, or fails to match, the logic of the conversation.). We'll get back to you as soon as possible. . What is skillful around duration of speaking or listening depends on context. . The body's immune system can also function more optimally by crowding out inflammatory . Clean Talk TM is a communications approach specifically designed for expressing challenging or difficult messages by using language to evoke collaboration rather than compliance, proaction rather than reaction, and agility rather than rigidity. CleanTalk protects your website from spam bots and spam in. We take responsibility for the anger as ours, and not as being about them in the way that it might superficially appear to be. As I understand it, it is not physically possible to voice everything that happens inside our minds. CleanTalk has one of the biggest spam activity database of IP/email addresses. cisco sd-wan cloud onramp for saas deployment guide clean talk communication. Its written by men (one of which runs a mens support group) and includes lots of concrete, useful, practical tips. I am an NVC trainer. Note to self: Consider whether I would want to recommend using different forms of certain feeling words, or been more careful about certain words, and whether I would want to suggest owning the interpretive quality of certain feeling words (as Clean Talk does with regard to expressing judgments). Its easier to associate with our own inner wisdom about what works for us. We might then name I feel angry but in a way that energetically does not dump our anger onto the other person, because we trust that the anger doesnt represent our deepest truth. I believe its a mistake to take such expressions of his too literally. Theyll also likely match your defensive stance, and the discussion will get off to a rocky start. What days are New Dawn Works open? Price: US $24.84. My experience in experienced NVC circles has been that what I interpret as leakage" shows up in ways that seem much more subtle than what you present in your examples. One might equally say "making sweeping generalizations is a form of violence. And, you offer an example of how the principle might have attended to both. (In your essay, it seems like you might prefer to use judgment" as a synonym for discernment. ). New Dawn Works is a Yelp advertiser. These are innovators focused on disruptive clean technologies who know a strong brand is the pathway to a high valuation. Here are some examples: When youre addressing a certain problem, stick with the issue at hand instead of slinging mud, or engaging in what my friend calls closet-fighting i.e., reaching back into the closet of your past for old grievances to buttress your current accusations. This encompasses strategic consulting services for brand positioning & messaging as well as strategic planning. And, Im wondering what additional measures might support safety/nonviolence? Note to self: Explore how it might look to express two different levels of meaning in NVC. Plus, your partner will likely be hurt that youre still holding onto something she thought youd forgiven her for, and you both will feel like your relationship isnt progressing. Clean 7 is a 7-Day detox program that blends Intermittent Fasting, Ayurveda, and Functional Medicine for powerful . clean talk communication. Without anger, I wouldn't know that someone had crossed my boundaries, invaded my privacy without my permission, blamed me for something that wasn't my fault, taken advantage of me, 'put one over on' me, or 'crossed a line.' And, in conflict situations, Ive experienced talking in this way as having had a rather limited capacity to transform conflicts. Acknowledging our judgments, without feeding" them, and attending to what they point to in a different way. Note to self: There could be value in articulating more explicitly when to use the model." A few years ago, I facilitated a process to gather input from people around the world who cared about NVC, and people from 42 countries participated, in 4 languages (which was as much as we could logistically manage). Introduction Why Use Role Play Own Judgement Own Feelings Own Wants - Our Redo Own Data Word Coaching Introduction Judgements Feelings Wants Data Shadows of Clean Talk and Word Coaching Get Consent The End I'm tired of your perpetual 'poor me' attitude." "Maybe if you were more of a man, you'd be able to handle this." "You'd probably feel better if you got off your fat, lazy ass and finally did something about it." In the example you offered, the inaccuracy could also have been exposed by sharing an observation such as "You didn't call me" without layering on judgment (pejorative speculation about others reasons) by saying "You couldn't be bothered to call me.". ". . The technical meaning is different (associated with different connotations) than the way the word is commonly used in English. I was delighted to encounter this, because I think there is a lot to be learned from reflecting on ideas dear to us (as we understand them and as others perceive them), and considering what arises from different orientations to the problem of communication. If so, I too want those concerns to be given weight. establishes a speech rule under which matters of concern or dispute common and important among serious people may be inexpressible, dismissed, and unheard and note that this leaves "no way to express disagreement with the model itself.. You comment on "need" vs. "want" repeats what I think is a fundamental misunderstanding about the role of "needs" in NVC. Condition: Good. 1. In writing the person off as incorrigible, you also essentially absolve yourself of any responsibility for your issues as a couple: We wouldnt have this problem if you werent so selfish.. Note to self: Think about how to raise awareness around this issue, and support practicing NVC in ways that are truly transformative. This, at last, brings us to a point where there may be enough shared background for me to address certain of the issues you raised in your essay. What I say then would be an honest expression of what Im really feeling at that point. With regard to perceptions that he minimizes the role of thought, again, I think that Dr. Rosenberg sometimes expressed things strongly to try to overcome the inertia of habits that undervalue emotion and values. Also particularly striking in that work is the use of questions which can surface assumptions in ways that sometimes powerfully transform conflicts. FAQs . How is New Dawn Works rated? Moralistic language and judgments are used to talk about things that matter to people interpersonally. "You're acting so childish right now." "Oh boo-hoo. You say, "On one hand, this paraphrasing or guessing seems to be trying to compensate for the incapacity of the original exchange to express reasons, which are a type of judgment Its not about any incapacity to express reasons in the model, insofar as the other person is presumed, more often than not, to not know or care about the model. If it's a spam bot, then CleanTalk blocks this comment or registering. Even in this context, I don't believe those statements were meant to be taken literally, except as guidance for when you've been ignoring your heart and things haven't been going well. being connected to what is important to us, conceptually and energetically; seeing the humanity in one another, and relating to one another with an open heart; increasing flexibility, suggesting the possibility of a variety of concrete ways of addressing what matters to us; thinking and talking about what matters to us in a way that, unlike the use of moralistic language," need not trigger painful associations with a sense of danger of social disapproval or punishment. You express a concern that, "NVC loses a precious opportunity here, particularly for parents, mentors, teachers, and others who wish to acknowledge work well done or to offer blessing or support. Im not sure what you think NVC is advocating for that that would prevent this from happening? Yes and they are also signals concerning what is going on inside us, about how we have processed the information about what is going on around us. Invisible anti-spam without CAPTCHA, questions, puzzles, counting animals, math and etc. You say "Dr. Rosenberg equates anger with the desire to find fault; he writes that anger 'indicates that we have moved up to our head to analyze and judge somebody' (p.143). What NVC recommends is that the speaker express how the other persons actions have contributed to them personally. You also say, "the practice of paraphrasing' seems to be based on an assumption that the other person isn't capable of expressing feelings for themselves, and is therefore somewhat condescending. Its not about assuming the other cant express feelings for themselves. Water resistant membrane panel operates with a light touch. As I understand it, what Dr. Rosenberg says amounts to expressing concern about some nuances of how we appreciate and encourage one another, not something that goes against the basic idea. Posted Dec 2022 4:47 TED-Ed 4 things all great listeners know Clean Talk can afford to be more restrictive in how it defines feelings since saying thats not a pure feeling simply changes how the idea gets expressed, not whether it gets expressed. Thats how I apply NVC, with regard to interpretations and moralistic judgments. Would you be willing to let me know, if, now that you possible understand more about NVC, you are still concerned about the things you alluded to above not being shared? Its true that NVC makes it harder to shame someone, if that is one's intention but, Im not sure that shaming produces the effects a parent would really want to produce if they thought about all aspects of their childs situation. Youre sorry about spending too much on the couch, just like you were sorry for going over budget on the kitchen remodel, and sorry for spending so much on the dress for our wedding, Youre so irrational, just like your mom., None of my exes were ever as clingy as you are., Why cant you be more fun like Dereks girlfriend is?, If youre going to act like that, then Im not going with you to your parents house this weekend., If you cant get your act together, then maybe we should get a divorce., If you dont want to be more adventurous in bed, I can find plenty of other women who are willing to be., I feel disrespected when you make jokes at my expense when were out with your friends., I feel jealous when I see you texting your ex., I feel hurt when you ignore me when I come home from work., Why didnt you take out the trash last night?, Is there a reason all the dishes have been left in the sink?. His experience of anger is apparently quite different from mine; I find when I'm angry that I don't think very clearly, which tells me that I'm anywhere but in my head.". What Can A 310s Mechanic Safety, David Bonderman Yacht, Lawrence Hyland Net Worth, What Was The Temperature On This Day In 1985, Articles C